Why Star Wars is on My Shit List

I’ve loved Star Wars all my life. I can recall to this day clutching onto my aunt’s arm and hiding my face between it and the couch every time Darth Vader would enter the scene. I used to cheer on the Rebels whenever a fight scene would break out, jumping and shouting for them to ‘get those bad guys’. Throughout the years, I’ve grown up with Star Wars, claiming I’d never become jaded with the movie. That held true until I introduced it to my three and half year old son. Now I’m convinced that I’ve made a mistake. A big mistake.

When Wyatt, my son, was much younger, I was adamant to have him experience the joy and fun I had while I grew up with SW. So when I felt he was old enough, which was roughly around the age of three, I popped in the dvd and to this day, he watches the movies nearly every single day. It wasn’t so bad at first, but quite frankly, I think I’ve created a monster. The kid lives for Star Wars. He breathes it. He even acts it out with the toy light sabers that my mom had bought for him, her thinking it would be a nice addition to the rest of the SW toys she’s bought for him. Thanks mom.

At first, using his light sabers while dueling with him was funny, now it’s got me wanting to put the damned things away, never wanting to see them again. Well, at least for a long while anyways. The kid just might be an actor someday, I swear. He’s really good at faking his death when my light saber slides across his belly. He’ll make this sound of ‘ohhhh…’, then collapse to the floor. He also knows some of the movie lines. Wyatt really enjoys it when we dialogue together. I’ll tell him that I’m his father and with a dramatic cry, he replies that I’m not. The thing that really makes me laugh though is when he mimics the Sand People’s sounds and the way they move.

One day, on the way to his sitter’s home, I thought I would be a nice mom and play the SW soundtrack in the car for him to enjoy. Yet again, I’ve made another mistake. Now every time we go somewhere, we listen to it all the time. If I don’t play it, it just makes for a miserable ride and everyone knows how fun it is to have a screaming kid in the back of your car.

Going back to what life is like at home and all the SW toys he has there, I see them everywhere. And when I say everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter where I’m at, they’re there. I’ve even slept with Darth Vader before. Now before your mind starts going to the gutters, let me explain. I was trying to catch some Zzzs on the couch the other night when I shifted around a bit, only to discover that I was no longer comfortable. When I felt something sticking in my back, I reached a hand under myself and pulled out Mr. Prick himself, Darth Vader. See what I mean when I tell you they’re everywhere? That’s not the last of it however. I’m sure most of you can relate when I say how fucking bad it can hurt when you step on one of your kid’s toys. Yup, I’ve stepped on them too…to be exact, it was his Bounty Hunter Pez dispenser the other day. It hurt a lot less however, compared to when I step on his Hot Wheel cars or the other toys strewn about the place. And let me tell you about the Darth Vader piggy bank. Wyatt insists that he pushes the button on the platform mean old Darth Vader’s standing on every time he comes into me and DH’s bedroom.

“Impressive,” he and Darth Vader say together after the button’s been pushed. “Most impressive. But you are not a Jedi yet.”

*Sigh* Life will never be the same. I’m afraid that as much as I love SW, I’m beginning to grow tired of it. I had only wanted him to grow up with SW like I had, not become obsessed with it. C3PO says it best when he tells his trusty droid companion, R2D2…

“We’re doomed.” Yup. I most certainly am.